


let me walk to the top of the big night sky

by miirukus



Category: Naruto
Genre: Blood and Gore, Graphic Description of Corpses, Heavy Angst, Jealousy, M/M, Murder, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 00:18:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21329098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miirukus/pseuds/miirukus
Summary: Kabuto could've ki__ed him right there and then, but he gave into temptation and the incessant voices in the back of his head and ki__ed Orochimaru.
Relationships: Orochimaru & Yakushi Kabuto, Orochimaru/Yakushi Kabuto
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	let me walk to the top of the big night sky

**let me walk to the top of the big night sky**

_From now_

_The autumn wind will_

_Start to blow coldly_

_How can I sleep alone_

_During the long night_

_— Ōtomo no Yakamochi_

* * *

It takes half his adolescence for Kabuto to realize. It is summer night — the time of year when the crickets and owls in Otogakure seem to come alive; the time when overwhelming heat seeps through the ceiling and illuminates dark rooms, forgotten corners, the hollows of his cheekbones. He is nineteen and he is Orochimaru's, his right-hand man. He is timeless like his master and idly flips through a leaflet on genjutsu.

_What if,_ the words scream, _what if the person most precious to you was killed? Tortured? Taken away from you?_

Kabuto scoffs. He is more powerful than half the shinobi in the Elemental Nations put together. He is Kabuto Yakushi and he cares for no one. He is Kabuto, the healer, Orochimaru's right-hand man. He is Kabuto and before Orochimaru he was nothing, he convinces himself. Nothing and nobody. Even Nonou couldn't remember him — He is more powerful than half the world but at the same time he is infinitesimal. It takes half his adolescence and time slips through his fingers along with glorious opportunities and one day after lurking down in dusty test labs for hours on end Orochimaru barges into his quiet room and issues a demand.

"I want Uchiha Sasuke, and here's how I'm going to get the Sharingan."

Suddenly Kabuto is nothing again — he is six years old with innocent child eyes and wide-eyed suspicion — he cannot remember a thing no matter how far back he tries to think. With Orochimaru, he was something; somebody, and he cannot stand and watch as he is replaced by someone else: someone great, someone powerful, someone useful. Someone better. The feeling makes bile rise in his stomach and an ugly feeling in his chest attempt to force its way out, assuming the form of harsh words and upset glare.

"You're going to be my spy, Kabuto."

He's always been just that: what Orochimaru tells him to be — nothing more, nothing less. Yesterday he was Healer Kabuto, today he will be Kabuto the genin, Kabuto the spy. Tomorrow — who knows? Maybe he will crumble away into dust and his ashes will be dumped into the sea. Or he could ascend to the stars, but for now, he is firmly chained down in Orochimaru's grasp. And maybe Orochimaru will look at him with disdain in pinwheel eyes that are not his. Where will he be in three years? Languishing down in the laboratory, doing his master's dirty work? While Orochimaru and Sasuke speak in a language he cannot understand; the language of geniuses with more potential in their smallest finger than he has in his entire body, comrades bound by similarity, by tragedy and power.

_Or maybe,_ treasonous voice hisses, _you could walk to the top of the big night sky. You could be Yakushi Kabuto again. Live for yourself, not for the beautiful snake who whispers poison and keeps you ever so close. He _says_ he's going to help you find yourself again, but you _know_ that only lies form on his tongue. Only_ you_ can help yourself, Kabuto._

He dismisses the voices as envious nonsense and meets his master's eyes.

"I will, Orochimaru-sama." Revels in the way Orochimaru allows his lips to curl up in approval, the way his eyes glint in the darkness like he's found eternity. He pushes down the negative feelings and tells himself he will be faster, better, stronger. Enough for his master to acknowledge him as an asset as important as Uchiha Sasuke, enough for him to realize that Kabuto is someone he cannot afford to lose. Enough to carve himself a place in Orochimaru's small world.

* * *

And then —

Months pass, nothing much changes. Except things are _going to _change, and not for the better, either: dark clouds looming on the horizon, ready to unleash destruction. Kabuto lets his unhealthy feelings fester for a while longer and then —

Orochimaru is on his deathbed, and it is almost unreal. The pallor of his face, dark circles under his eyes. He needs a new vessel and he needs it fast. Looking at his master's prone form under white sheets tips Kabuto over the edge. He could've kissed Orochimaru right there and then, he really could've. But what difference would that make? His master does not need simple schoolgirl affection: he needs a tool, one who will obey his every word unquestioningly. He doesn't need Kabuto, that much he knows.

(Kabuto needs him like the earth needs the sun. The earth, small and fragile, ever-changing. The sun, almighty and powerful, consuming and devouring; taking and taking until there is nothing less to give. The sun — Amaterasu-ōmikami — does not need the earth. His nails dig through sweaty palms and into sickly skin.)

Orochimaru is molten lava formed into the shape of a snake-like man, the flames of Amaterasu that will burn until the end of eternity, the sun and the stars.

Kabuto is negligible in the grand scheme of things and he knows it. Soon Sasuke will stand in his place, and he simply cannot stand that. Cannot stand being a _pawn_ in a _game_. 

It is this last fact that gets him reaching for his tanto. Palming it slowly, he walks up to Orochimaru. It is a rash decision, one tainted by feeling and jealousy and cold, hard _rage_ simmering under alabaster skin. The blade nicks thin fingers and draws blood, splattering on the marble floor.

"I love you." He wants those to be the last words Orochimaru ever hears, like a romantic movie ending in tragedy (but it's real). He doesn't allow himself to hesitate, not even when his master's eyes slowly widen in pain and sudden fear. It is a new emotion, a different one. _Fear._ He jams the blade in. It is beautiful — yellow eyes contorted in anguish, watching the life slowly drain out of them. Stabs it down a few more times to make sure his master dies. Watches the maroon liquid spurt out of his chest sporadically (and yet he remains godlike even in death).

(The fastest way to a man's heart, to his master's heart, is to the left of the sternum, between the fourth and fifth rib.)

He wonders how Orochimaru will look with his skin and pale lips under Kabuto's fingernails. He finds his answer a little later.

"Kabuto." His master attempts to get up, rotting fingers intertwined with his in a contest of strength. Betrayal, disbelief, outrage. He is dying and he knows it. It is a betrayal of the worst kind, but —

"You betrayed me first, Orochimaru-sama, and you know it."

He is _not_ a pawn, _not_ someone's tool, _not_ easily discardable. He is Kabuto Yakushi.

He watches the fire spark out of his master's eyes, sees thin body crumple to the ground. Orochimaru, one of the legendary Sannin, ended in just a matter of minutes. He throws back his head and laughs in regret. He could've kissed him right there and then, he could've, could've done so much more but he —

_What if, what if the person most precious to you was killed? Tortured? Taken away from you?_

He never imagines he would be the one to do the deed, and as he glances down upon blood-stained hands, he finds that he cannot rub the crimson blotches away no matter how hard he scrubs. And _oh_, his hands are raw with pain and the weight of a deed tainted by love. He doesn't cry, because Ninja Rule #26 states that emotion is unacceptable for shinobi. (Look where emotion; love, jealousy, _not good enough_ has gotten him. Look at the mess he is, the mess he has made.) 

He hears footsteps, one of a child's. _Now, of all times__?_

"Where is Orochimaru?" Sasuke demands rudely, flanked by the Sound Four.

"He's dead," Kabuto replies bluntly. "I killed him." Presents the body on the floor, takes in the looks of disbelief. He doesn't know what will happen to Otogakure and he can't find it inside his heart to care.

(Cursed red eyes spin and spin and spin, through the rice fields and Kabuto's dreams and the ends of the world. He can't stand it; a representation of everything he never could have; an example of opportunity by circumstance. He lunges forward and rips them out, leaving bloody sockets behind. Sasuke screams and screams — it is a now-familiar sound. The Sound Four scramble for the door, abandoning broken and bloodsoaked Uchiha boy who had the misfortune of _living_.)

He leaves Otogakure in disarray, but he is _free_, isn't he? He is whole and free and complete, for the first time in _years_.

(He isn't, and he knows it.)

**Author's Note:**

> pretty much listened to first love/late spring by mitski for the entire time  
im sorry for ooc-ness but ;; basically the explanation for this absolute mess of a fic goes like this:  
u know that feeling when u fail a math exam but ur friend gets super good and actually all ur friends get really really good marks on the same exam and it kinda just makes u feel like shit?? (bonus points if your friends are like 'omg omg yall so smart rip' and get many congratulations right. in. front. of. u.) it's like
> 
> kabuto feels like he's useless to orochimaru + u have sAsUkE!! right there!! 'prodigy' *not as good as itachi* sASUKE!! like does orochimaru even need me? he has sharingan s a s u k e!! >> much jealousy, self-hate, thoughts of not being good enough)  
= very toxic relo, doesn't want to be replaced, wants to be known, wants to be somebody to oro  
[*insert past trauma*]
> 
> (basically me accidentally channelling my feelings into this fic so i hope this fits the characters LOLOL)
> 
> (hope this fic made sense and i didn't under-develop any of them though. have pity on me, it's the week before yearly week LOL.)


End file.
